Author Archives: I Remember You

Pet Loss: Should I Include My Children?

Leave a reply

Processing Pet Loss with Children

Pet Loss Article by Dr. Jessica Vogelsang

Flickr - BobDentz

Flickr – BobDentz

I’ve lost count of the number of homes I enter for a home euthanasia appointment to find one person, sitting on the floor with their pet. The homes are filled with photos and toys, indications of a lively family, but at this time, they are alone.

“I sent the kids away with my spouse,” they say. “I didn’t want them to see this.”

I nod in understanding. After all, I’ve done the same thing. It is very hard to know how to broach the topic of pet loss with children, especially when the process is such an unknown for the parents as well. But over time, I’ve come to realize it doesn’t have to be this way.

The parents who elect to keep their children at home share an incredible experience with the kids, one with tears but also with great beauty. The children learn many things when they are home for a euthanasia:

    • Death is sad, and it’s all right to cry
    • It is a time to acknowledge a wonderful shared life
    • Death can be a very peaceful process surrounded by love

Many times, the parents are as comforted by the children as the children are the parents, and for some surprised parents this, too, is a revelation. The family experiences the loss as a unit.

I certainly don’t mean this to say that all families should have their children home for the death of a pet; it depends on so many circumstances, such as the ages of the children, their maturity levels, and the family’s previous experiences with loss. If children are frightened and do not want to be there, I don’t encourage forcing them to be a part of it. What I do encourage, and I’ve learned this the hard way from personal experience, is honest, open dialogue, and respect for their feelings on the topic. When there is a good deal of anxiety or fear, the assistance of a licensed therapy professional before or after the fact can be invaluable.

Processing Grief Through Art

Whether or not children are present for the passing of a pet, allowing them to express their feelings is a key part of the grieving process. Creating a memorial is a wonderful way for them to acknowledge the love they shared. I encourage kids to write letters, poems, and draw pictures to share at a family memorial service, or plant a tree, or run a donation drive for a shelter.

One of the best ways for children (and adults!) to work through their feelings is through art. The creative process is a wonderful outlet for people experiencing grief, and many parents find it is helpful to have a way to direct their child’s emotions into a guided project, particularly when the parents are also working through their own grief.

Dr. Jessica Vogelsang - Pet Loss ExpertJessica Vogelsang, DVM is an author, veterinarian, and owner of the award winning pet-centric website pawcurious.com. Dr. Vogelsang is a regular contributor to multiple online publications on topics related to pet health and the human-animal bond. Dr. Vogelsang is currently practicing as a hospice care specialist with Paws into Grace in San Diego, and has a special interest in helping loving pet owners through the difficult end of life stage.

No One Understands My Grief

Leave a reply

No One Understands My Grief

My Pet Has Died and No One Understands My Grief. What Should I Do?

Photo credit: Prailine (Flickr)

Photo credit: Prailine (Flickr)

Losing a pet can be a very difficult situation for several reasons. People work through sadness and grief in many different ways. It is important to understand that your experience of grief related to pet loss is unique to you and no one has the right to judge your feelings or to tell you, “to just get over it.”

It is important to be patient with yourself and understand that you will heal at a pace that is right for you. You may experience doubt about whether your feelings are normal.

Finding support and validation is important. Often friends or family are at a loss as to what to say or are not sure how to support someone experiencing pet loss. There are resources one can utilize such as: a pet loss support group in your local community, books on pet loss, as well as individual therapy.

Be gentle and caring with yourself. It is important to attend to self-care such as: adequate rest, nutrition and exercise. With time your heart can heal, be patient and compassionate with yourself.

Dr. Wendy Khentigan - Pet Loss Expert

Wendy A. Khentigan, M.D. graduated from New York Medical College. She completed her residency in psychiatry at the University of California San Diego where she served as a chief resident during her final year. She is board certified by the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology. She is a Distinguished Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. She has completed her certification in Intensive Short Term Dynamic Psychotherapy, a technique particularly effective in addressing grief as well as trauma. She has been in private practice in Encinitas since 1994. A lifelong animal lover, she has a special interest in animal welfare and the people who care for animals.

Pet Loss Grief Books For Children

Leave a reply

Pet Loss Books for Children

Pet loss article by Dr. Wendy Khentigan

Children do not respond to death in the same way as adults. The reaction of a child is typically more natural and curious until it is influenced by adults. The death of a family pet is often the first death experienced by a child. How this is handled will influence the child for the rest of his or her life. Children naturally develop strong attachments to a family pet and may relate to a pet as a sibling, playmate or special confidant. Children need guidance and support to understand their loss and to mourn that loss.

Pet Loss Grief Books for Children

Memories of You - Pet Memory BookMemories of You : Pet Memory Book (Helping Kids Heal Series) by Eraiinna Winnett and Lucia Martinez (2014)

This is for kids ages 6 to 12 with lots of exercises that will help a child talk about their feelings. A useful tool for parents to start discussion with their kids about the loss of their pet. Get the book.

 

 

 

When a Pet Dies by Mister RogersWhen A Pet Dies by Fred Rogers (1998)

Beloved childhood figure Mr. Rogers helps the very young understand the death of their pet. An important first book to help explain death to a child. Get the book.

 

 

 

 

Pet Loss and ChildrenPet Loss and Children: Establishing a Healthy Foundation by Cheri Barton Ross (2005)

Great resource for parents to understand how children experience grief and loss. Get the book.

 

 

 

 

When Shiner DiedWhen Shiner Died: A Children’s Book About Pet Loss by Rebecca Hauder (2010)

This is a moving book both for children as well as adults. Best read with Kleenex in hand. Get the book.

 

 

Fragile Tears - Children's Pet Loss BookFragile Tears: Stories and Guidance For Youth by Alan Blain Cunningham Ph.D., D.V.M.,M.D. (2005)

A heartwarming book with many personal stories. Sure to bring tears and comfort to animal lovers of all ages. Get the book.

 

 

 

 

Dr. Wendy Khentigan - Pet Loss ExpertWendy A. Khentigan, M.D. graduated from New York Medical College. She completed her residency in psychiatry at the University of California San Diego where she served as a chief resident during her final year. She is board certified by the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology. She is a Distinguished Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. She has completed her certification in Intensive Short Term Dynamic Psychotherapy, a technique particularly effective in addressing grief as well as trauma. She has been in private practice in Encinitas since 1994. A lifelong animal lover, she has a special interest in animal welfare and the people who care for animals.

When to Say Goodbye to a Pet

Leave a reply

How Do I Know When to Say Goodbye to a Pet?

Pet loss article by Dr. Jessica Vogelsang

(Photo credit: Flickr - Oakley's Originals)

(Photo credit: Flickr – Annie’s Originals)

Deciding if and when to euthanize a terminally ill pet is one of the most agonizing decisions a loving pet owner has to make. In some cases, where a pet is clearly suffering and the body is shutting down, the decision is clear. But in many instances of slow disease progression, the line between acceptable and unacceptable quality of life may be very blurry. The guidance of your veterinarian can be invaluable in this challenging time, but the final determination lies with you. Here are a few tools I use with my clients to help them make a decision:

  1. More Bad Days than Good

Some owners feel as though their pet must be suffering every minute of every day before an unacceptable quality of life is reached, though this is often not the case. It is very ethically acceptable to let a pet go before they reach that advanced a state. Even pets in the end stages of terminal disease can have some days that are better than others; this is a normal part of the process. When the bad days outweigh the good, this may indicate the end is nearing.

  1. The 3/5 Rule

Pick five things your pet loves: walks, bites of turkey, rides in the car, sitting on the windowsill. When your pet is no longer able to enjoy three out of those five things, this can be a sign of an unacceptable quality of life.

  1. The Quality of Life Scale

This is the most quantitative approach to evaluating a pet’s quality of life, and is a tool I like quite a bit because owners can use it repeatedly to track trends over time. The Quality of Life scale, developed by Dr. Alice Villalobos, scores seven different life functions such as appetite, hydration, and mobility to give a numerical score of the pet’s quality of life. There is an online version of this scoring system here.

If you find this decision is confusing and difficult, you are not alone. It is a unique burden of pet ownership to make this difficult decision on behalf of another living being, and no matter when you make the decision it is very common to experience guilt over whether or not you made the right call.

Communicate your fears and concerns with your veterinarian. They are there to advise you. The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement (www.aplb.org) offers weekly online chats for those experiencing anticipatory grief to help them talk through this challenging decision making process. Above all else, know that your pet loves you unconditionally and trusts you to do what is in their best interest. Decisions made from a place of love are the right ones.

Dr. Jessica Vogelsang - Pet Loss Expert

Jessica Vogelsang, DVM is an author, veterinarian, and owner of the award winning pet-centric website pawcurious.com. Dr. Vogelsang is a regular contributor to multiple online publications on topics related to pet health and the human-animal bond. Dr. Vogelsang is currently practicing as a hospice care specialist with Paws into Grace in San Diego, and has a special interest in helping loving pet owners through the difficult end of life stage.

Pet Loss Books for Adults by Dr. Wendy Khentigan

Leave a reply

 Pet Loss Books for Adults

When a family pet dies, your feelings of grief surrounding that loss are real and deserve the same respect as if it where any other family member. Wendy Khentigan, M.D. is a psychiatrist who addresses grief and trauma in her every day practice in Encinitas, California. Wendy provides a list of her favorite pet loss books for adults that assist in coping with that grief, and with the difficult decisions one faces upon the loss of a pet.

 Pet Loss Books

Goodbye FriendGoodbye, Friend: Healing Wisdom for Anyone Who Has Ever Lost A Pet, by Gary Kowalski (2012)

Although this is a brief book, it provides warmth and comfort incorporating spiritual aspects to coping with grief. Get the book.

 

Going Home, Finding Peace When Pets Die by Jon Katz

Going Home: Finding Peace When Pets Die, by Jon Katz (2012)

New York Times bestselling author Jon Katz, a natural storyteller, provides an intimate look at saying goodbye to the pet you love. A heartrending book that all animal lovers will find refreshing and honest in its depiction of grief over pet loss. Get the book. 

 

The Pet Loss CompanionThe Pet Loss Companion: Healing Advice From Family Therapists Who Lead Pet Loss Groups, by Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio and Nancy Saxton Lopez (2013)

Good advice on taking care of yourself and loved ones in times of grief. A concise guide with lots of information based on years of experience. Get the book.

 

How to Roar - Pet Loss Grief Recovery BookHow To Roar: Pet Loss Grief Recovery ,by Robin Jean Brown (2005)

This is a how to guide on working through grief with exercises to journal. This may be of particular benefit to anyone going through loss of their first pet. Get the book.

 

You can Heal Your Heart by Louise Hay and David Kessler

 You Can Heal Your Heart: Finding Peace After A Breakup, Divorce or Death, by Louise Hay and David Kessler (2014)

This is a wonderful book that addresses grief and provides support, comfort, and practical advice about how to minimize suffering. There is a chapter dedicated to honoring pet loss, however, entire book contains information that may be of benefit to anyone experiencing loss. Get the book.

Dr. Wendy Khentigan - Pet Loss ExpertWendy A. Khentigan, M.D. graduated from New York Medical College. She completed her residency in psychiatry at the University of California San Diego where she served as a chief resident during her final year. She is board certified by the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology. She is a Distinguished Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. She has completed her certification in Intensive Short Term Dynamic Psychotherapy, a technique particularly effective in addressing grief as well as trauma. She has been in private practice in Encinitas since 1994. A lifelong animal lover, she has a special interest in animal welfare and the people who care for animals.

Pet Loss Resources by Dr. Jessica Vogelsang

Leave a reply

Pet Loss Resources

Perhaps the biggest hurdle for pet owners suffering with grief after the loss of a pet is reaching out for help. Many owners are not even aware that such resources exist. The grief of a loss is compounded when you don’t have a support system that recognizes just how intense the grieving process can be after the loss of a beloved pet, but help and understanding is out there.

Here are some of my recommended resources for bereaved pet owners:

Pet Loss Resources to Read

The Loss of a Pet BookThe Loss of a Pet, by Wallace Sife. There are plenty of books about losing a pet on the market, but what makes this book stand out is how practical and pragmatic it is as a resource for both pet owners and pet professionals. While being sympathetic and demonstrating deep compassion for bereaved owners, Dr. Sife’s focus in this book is to help you understand the grieving process particularly as it pertains to pets and gain a better knowledge of why you are feeling the way you are.

Pet Loss Resources to Type

Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement – This site has an extensive catalogue of references for owners going through the bereavement process, but what really makes it stand out are the online chat rooms. Six days a week, chats staffed by trained pet loss counselors can give you a person to talk to without having to leave your living room. There is even a separate chat for anticipatory bereavement, for owners whose pet has not passed but is experiencing terminal illness.

Pet Loss Help – Another good source of resources for bereaved pet owners.

Dr. Jessica Vogelsang - Pet Loss ExpertJessica Vogelsang, DVM is an author, veterinarian, and owner of the award winning pet-centric website pawcurious.com. Dr. Vogelsang is a regular contributor to multiple online publications on topics related to pet health and the human-animal bond. Dr. Vogelsang is currently practicing as a hospice care specialist with Paws into Grace in San Diego, and has a special interest in helping loving pet owners through the difficult end of life stage.

Pet Loss Experts

Leave a reply

Meet I Remember You’s Pet Loss Experts

Dog lying down

Credit Flickr User: Wyatt

I Remember You is dedicated to providing comfort and resources to families and individuals experiencing grief related to the loss of a pet. We believe there is no connection on earth like the relationship between humans and pets. Pets give love unconditionally and without expectations. Processing grief related to a pet’s deaths is vital and important to our health and the health of our families.

Passionate About Shepherding Others Through Pet Loss

Cat held by woman

Credit Flickr: LAGtheNoggin

We invite you to meet our two guest doctors who will be writing articles and advice on the process of losing a pet and grief related to the loss of a pet. These two women bring expert and compassionate ideas on how best to move through the end-of-life process with your pet, from both a mental health and veterinary perspective.

Meet Dr. Wendy Khentigan, MD

Dr. Wendy Khentigan - Pet Loss Expert

Wendy A. Khentigan, M.D. graduated from New York Medical College. She completed her residency in psychiatry at the University of California San Diego where she served as a chief resident during her final year. She is board certified by the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology. She is a Distinguished Fellow of the American Psychiatric Association. She has completed her certification in Intensive Short Term Dynamic Psychotherapy, a technique particularly effective in addressing grief as well as trauma. She has been in private practice in Encinitas since 1994. A lifelong animal lover, she has a special interest in animal welfare and the people who care for animals.

You can follow Dr. Khentigan on Twitter for more resources on grief and mental health.

Meet Dr. Jessica Vogelsang, DVM

Dr. Jessica Vogelsang - Pet Loss Expert

Jessica Vogelsang, DVM is an author, veterinarian, and owner of the award winning pet-centric website pawcurious.com. Dr. Vogelsang is a regular contributor to multiple online publications on topics related to pet health and the human-animal bond. Dr. Vogelsang is currently practicing as a hospice care specialist with Paws into Grace in San Diego, and has a special interest in helping loving pet owners through the difficult end of life stage. When she’s not with clients or working on her latest article, Dr. Vogelsang volunteers internationally with World Vets providing veterinary care to underserved countries.

You can follow Dr. Vogelsang on Twitter for more articles on pets, pet lifestyle and veterinary insights.

Pet Loss Resources at I Remember You

Leave a reply

Pet Loss - Dog and Boy

Welcome to the Pet Loss Resources Blog on I Remember You

Welcome to I Remember You’s Pet Loss Resources blog. We’re glad that you are here and seeking more information about pet loss and pet grief.

Pet loss is hard for many pet parents. In 2012, over 62 percent of U.S. households included at least one pet.* It’s safe to say that if you are experiencing grief related to pet loss, you are certainly not alone.

The relationship between humans and pets can vary significantly and so can our feelings about when we lose our pets. We all experience grief in different ways and at different times.

Real Resources to Help You with Grief Related to Pet Loss

Pet Loss - Cat snuggling with womanOur goal for I Remember You is to provide a place of healing and understanding for families and individuals who feel grief or loss due to the death or illness of a pet. If you have come here seeking more understanding on behalf a family member, friend or co-worker, we applaud you for caring about your loved one.

On this pet loss blog, you will find:

  • Online resources on how to cope with grief relating to pet loss,
  • Books and offline reading materials relating to pet grief,
  • Articles from veterinary and mental health experts,
  • Thoughtful ways and ideas to memorialize your pet,
  • Ideas and tips about how families and children cope with pet loss together.

We hope this blog helps anyone and everyone coping with pet related grief. If you have a question or feedback about the blog, or I Remember You, please feel free to get in touch via our Contact Page.

*Statistic from APPA study